Likes & Dislikes

by Noah Henry

There are several things that we really like such as sunshine, sugar, and good music. Conversely, there are many things that we happen to dislike, and, if we're going to be honest with you, Sean Penn is one of those things.

What can we say about Sean Penn that hasn't already been said? He's an asshole. I don't expect this article to spark any revelations about the notoriously egotistical actor, but I do hope it allows you to feel like you're not alone in thinking he's a masterful tool. Let us all breathe deep, forgive Hollywood for breeding types like him, and laugh at this incorrigible douche.

NINE REASONS WE DISLIKE SEAN PENN:

1. He has "terrible regret" over meeting with El Chapo.
reasons sean penn is a douche, met with el chapo
Sure, he is responsible for tens of thousands of murders, but go ahead, Sean, eat tacos and drink tequila with him.

2. Perhaps he met with El Chapo because he empathizes with him.
reasons sean penn is a douche, punched an extra
Penn has been accused of beating Madonna and violently assaulting photographers. He was sentenced to 60 days in prison for punching an extra in the face in 1987. He's cooled off as of late — most likely due to his Jeet Kune Do regimen.

3. He studies Jeet Kune Do.
reasons sean penn is a douche, studies jeet kune do
I don't know what that is, but it sounds super spiritual and pompous.

4. He's touts his progressivism on the daily, but raised a son who recently called a photographer a bleeping N-word and a bleeping F-word (and no, not that F-word, either).
reasons sean penn is a douche, his son
Maybe his citizen-of-the-world hippie image isn't exactly who he is behind the scenes. His son, Hopper, said the aforementioned and the photographer inquired, "That the kind of talk you're teaching him, Sean?" It's an honest question.

5. He said ex-Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is "one of the most important forces we've had on this planet."
reasons sean penn is a douche, said hugo chavez is most important force on the planet
Here's a video of starving Venezuelans fighting over powdered milk — brought to them by the generous Chavez (Chavez died in 2013 with a net worth of $2 billion; his daughter is now the richest person in Venezuela).

6. He took this photo for Esquire.
reasons sean penn is a douche, esquire cover
Just sit and stare at it for a moment and let the rage build.
 

7. He thinks he's the authority on diplomatic relations, journalism and everything else.

In a press release after meeting with Uruguay's president, Penn said, "Good journalism saves the world. Bad journalism destroys it, so all of you good journalists in the room I thank you." In an interview on "60 Minutes" last Sunday, he said, "My article has failed." Dude. Your paradoxes. I'm getting a brain tumor.

8. He called Matt and Trey ignorant cross-dressers.
reasons sean penn is a douche, feud with trey parker and matt stone
Later, they won nine Tony Awards for that little box-office record-breaking play on Broadway.

9. He called Britain "colonist, archaic and ludicrous" for its Falkland Islands territory three months after colonizing Libya with his ideology.
reasons sean penn is a douche, colonialism
Here's the thing, Sean, you can't hate on countries for being colonialist while you go to other countries and try to force American-style democracy. That's the exact definition of colonialism, dickhead.

Now, I know what you might be thinking... Gene Simmons is more of a douche than Sean Penn, isn't he? Why shouldn't we be spending our time ripping him apart instead of picking on Sean? Well, according to our latest scientific poll, that is simply not the case. Sean is indeed the bigger douche. Gene is definitely a douche in his own right, but we're really not in the habit of arguing against science.

SCIENTIFIC POLL: WHO IS THE BIGGER DOUCHE?

 

 

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